Strawberry Avalanche

I've been constructing this post since a few days ago but now that I'm finally sitting down in front of my comp at this page, I can't seem to remember what I'd wanted to say.

As some of you might have known, my popo had just passed away recently, coincidentally, on my cousin's birthday. I guess 19 November would now hold a whole new meaning for me, just like 23rd December, which is no longer just the eve eve of christmas.

Beyond the sorrow of the death of a loved one, the family of that person immediately has to deal with all the administrative matters, such as the type of funeral and all that comes with the wake. This, I feel, is too cruel on the family, who had barely came to terms with the news.

Talking about the funeral, isn't it just for the living?
Conducted just how the the living assumes that the dead would like, so that the dead is able to enjoy life after death, for the living to feel like they are doing something so that they have some sort of closure.
Actually, is there really life after death?
Because we do not know that is why we partake in such traditions so as to get a peace of mind knowing that our loved one took part in the required rituals so as to go to a better place.
To be honest, everything after death just felt like traditions and rituals.
Not that I am complaining or unhappy about taking part in these.
Its just that, it got me thinking if that is what I want after I am dead.
...I guess it really depends if there is life after death.

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Up till today, it still doesn't feel real that popo is really gone.
It feels like tomorrow when I go down to popo house, she would be right there, on her spot on the sofa, watching whatever is on the TV. I would say "Po" and she'd look at those plastic bags that I'm holding and ask if I bought anything for her to eat. I'll then put down those plastic bags of groceries and plop down on the floor in front of the sofa and try to figure out what she's watching on the TV. She'll then ask if I'd eaten and at this point of time, I would sometimes pretend that I haven't just because then she'd offer to give me money to go to the market downstairs to buy food or she'd offer to go down to eat with me though she can barely walk anymore.

Over the course of the past few days, whenever I am surrounded by my cousins or my friends, I would temporarily forget things, about the situation and just try to engage in their conversations as much as possible. However, whenever I am alone and my mind is allowed to wander, memories would attack me left right center and I would think about how the very nose that I was poking just a week ago whenever she fell asleep or is not paying attention to me I would no longer be able to poke and the very mouth that would chide me for being rude and 没大没小 for poking her would never speak again. Or how when I was in primary school and is walking home from school, she would always be at the corridor watching me and whenever I reach home from school in the afternoons, there would always be a bowl of macaroni soup waiting for me.

Then I would remember how in SA I would always not go back home for dinner just so I can eat with my friends. Or how as popo's Alzheimer first started I would get irritated at how she would come and ask me what day of the week it is for a few times in one day or when she would cook the same dishes consecutively for a few days (until now I am still partially anti-fish).

Basically I would start to think about all the things she did for me last time and what a bad granddaughter I'd been and then the tear ducts would go on overdrive like now. If this was a diary book, it would have been super tear stained and mucus stained lol.

老实说，我这个人超不会撒娇的，尤其是跟我很熟的人。
知道的人都知道，我从小就是先被奶奶然后婆婆带大的，只有最近才开始和父母一起三人同居。所以比起拔拔或麻麻，我和这两位老人家最亲，只能在他们面前自由自在地撒娇，也知道她们俩最疼的是我，可是谁知道两位那么早就先走了，把我一个人留下。
至今我最大的遗憾就是没能趁他们还在人世的时候没能带个男朋友回去给他们看看，然后知道说，“哦，原来我们的婷婷已经是个大女孩了，我们也不用再为她操心了。”

现在我只是想说，mama 和婆婆，我会好好照顾自己和 daddy mummy 的，所以你们不要担心 and I love you.

Tuesday, November 24