"Maybe not now, but in the future, that may happen". thats what i used to think.

but lately, as i really grow older, i realised there are more and more things i couldn't do. or maybe i just THINK that i couldn't do it. but it doesn't really matter right, cause if you think that way, you'll act that way.

not taking any science anymore...SO WHAT TO DO WITH MY FREAKING LIFE?!!

Right i know i'm not hideous/disfigured/disabled/fat(not that being fat is a bad thing i think fat people are really cute)/living in a third world country with no food no clean water no sanitation no house no clothes no money no parents/from an abusive family/bullied in school/no friends/depressed/ living in war and the most important thing is that i'm still alive.

Believe me, I am really thankful for all that. I'm not complaining that my life sucks also.

Just that its like i'm suddenly at this desert, nothing with me, no aim in life.

walking down this path because its been set for me already (thank you expectations and responsibility and principles), not sure if i want to continue walking but there is no choice because i don't see another path coming up.

occasionally being really happy.

and all of a sudden i'd come across this sign.

that something had happened to someone I know.

I can't help them because i have nothing with me.

And they didn't tell me what happened either,

I had to come across something to know that something had happened.

Helpless. Clueless. Useless.

Does anybody understand all these?

I didn't know my grandma was this weak until I came over again.

But there was nothing I could do.

I can't even stop myself from crying.

Which is stupid. Like hellooooooo, if i can't even control myself how can i expect me to help others?

stupid.

I didn't know my friend was this sad until I read her recent blogpost.

But what can I do?

Really, when the care and concern she wanted was not from me but really deep down, her family?

We used to call each other when we were really sad and cry over the phone and talk and talk until we reach some nonsense and the person is not crying anymore and we are being yelled at to put down the stupid phone because phone bills are expensive and "are you going to pay for it?!"

well I'd call her but it won't be the same anymore.

it'll never be.

And I just realised that this friend is flying overseas today.

I used to find out all the details of her flight and will go and send her off with a few other friends but this time I didn't even know she flew off. until now.

She didn't say anything.

I didn't ask.

We just talk.

Another friend. Can't really say that we used to be super close...

but we used to be quite.

we don't talk everyday, but we'll at least communicate using other methods like letters and msn occasionally. once a week? we'd at least know whats happening in each other's lives at least. But there just doesn't seem to be anything to talk about anymore.

the conversations just always come to this awkward empty space as we both get distracted by other stuff. wanting to end the convo but not really knowing how to end it cause you'll still be online and kind of regretting starting the convo without thinking about what to say during the convo first. you know?

and to my bestfriend of 7 years [(:], I doubt we'll still be this close if not for the fact that we are in the same school, same cca and go to school together everyday. and i realised you're not going for CO next week too! ARGH IT'LL BE SO BORING D:!!

is it me or is it really really really really hard to keep a close friend close forever?

I find it easy to make new friends, get close with them if we have something in common but keeping them close is really difficult.

so maybe all these is just me.

ya.

I don't know where all these is coming from.

maybe being bored leaves me with nothing to do but homework or thinking too much.

and obviously i chose the latter.

I wish i wasn't this self-centred to be blind enough to all these, to not be able to stop them in time.

I wish i was an octopus. nehh, an octopus only has 8 hands(legs. limbs. wriggly thing. whatever.) maybe a jellyfish (a non-poisonous one) so that i'll have enough wriggly things to hold on to people I love and never let them go.

(yes, I'm possessive. But I'm a Taurus.)

[taurus are possessive.]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks sop for the tangyuan yesterday (:!

you're a great (tangyuan and jap curry) chef!

your doojoon is a lucky guy :D HAHAHA.

Did i mention that i quit my job? (quit? quitted? whatever.)

next week is going to be a busy week, for me to enjoy going out before i move to here to keep my grandma company. even though all she do is sleep :/

then i'll be bored enough to do my homework/study.

and hopefully less of this thinking too much thing.

I miss camp ):

while eating chee-kueh just now, i suddenly have this flashback (?) of being woken up by the food ICs and putting on my pullover cause its really cold in the morning and i'm right under the fan and us walking to the toilet together to brush our teeth/pee/change/putting in contacts/saying "wah damn tired" over and over.

going out on a date with jordan tomorrow!

YAY I'M SO EGGCITED:DDDD

jordan = my scandalous p5 cousin with a gf.

then i'll get all the inside scoopzx.

maybe i should wear my heels cause he's taller than me.

(I CAN'T BE SHORTER THAN A P5 KID!!)

(but then again what if i wear it and i become taller than him? i don't really want to walk around with a shorter guy. [since i am already so short])

(plus wearing heels will kill me.)

(but then if i don't wear them, they'll just rot in the cupboard after i only wear them twice.

for stupid prom and mummy musuem day.)

yes, i am wasting my time quarreling with myself.

my stupid right ear is blocked again!

after being unblocked for a few days.

I knew it. good things will always come to an end.

but then again, so will bad stuff.

so i'll just wait.

to :D. you know, the era that they have in the movie.

to lao kan, you obviously dont get what i mean -.-