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you know, i've typed this long long post about my weekend but that doesnt seem important now.
maybe another day.
went for lunch with my father's side family, was looking through my aunt's iphone when i saw ah bi's photos.
ah bi is this rabbit that lives at my (father's side)grandma's house.
i used to live there too.
so when i was p3? we just shifted there and i changed school and blah blah blah.
then the neighbour's rabbit gave birth to these baby rabbits and they asked whether we want one.
being the 9 year old girl that i am, of course i very enthusiastically said "YES!!!" when my auntie asked whether we shoukd take one.
so in the end we did.
ah bi was very very guai. she doesnt bite. ever.
and whenever you open her cage door or just poke your finger into the cage, she'll push her head to your hand, waiting for you to sayang it.
i remembered spending hours playing with her, singing to her, feeding her.
then i moved to my other grandma's house.
and she died recently, last month i think.
i can't say i was very sad, cause i already sort of know she's going to die soon.
i mean the last time i saw her alive then i just suddenly had this thought.
"this rabbit is very old already, i think she's going to die soon"
and i got kind of sad, even more so when my auntie told me she have a tumour behind her ear.
i mean you really can feel this lump.
and then when i saw all those pictures, i just suddenly realised that she's really gone.

and then when i went to the market to eat dinner with my parents, we saw my grandfather there, so we ate with him.
so they got talking about the stall, and my grandfather said that my grandma make very nice ngoh hyong then my mother should go learn from her.
soon, before they die in 2-3 years.
my mother told him to not say that, and he said "we're both 70+ already leh".
and then i realised that all my grandparents are really old already and they really might die very soon(touch wood).
before that i was just thinking about my o'level chinese results.
after that realisation, i just felt that o'levels doesnt seem so important now.
when you know that people you know might just die anyday, some exam that you can just retake doesnt seem so important anymore.
(but i dont think they'll appreciate it if i drop school now to pei ta men. so i might as well try to get good results to make them happy)

we were eating bbq-ed chicken wings and i was quite full, so i told my mother to give the last one to my father.
then she said "dont let him eat already, he got high blood pressure"
i was quite shocked to hear that my father has some old people disease already.
(again) i realised that my parents are no longer the 30+ years old (sort of) young people i knew for my whole life,
and i'm sixteen, no longer that child who throw tantrums whenever she sees her mother being nice to other girls.
i finally understood what those people in books, tv, movies, songs meant when they say that they suddenly realise that their parents head is suddenly full of white hair.

and then during the dinner, my father and grandfather were talking to each other.
i was looking at them and i saw that when they talk to each other, they dont really have eye contact.
they just sort of look over the other's shoulder and i found it kind of funny.
i told my mother when she saw me laughing and gave me the "what are you laughing at look"
then she said its because they're not very close and they didnt see each other in a long time.
i didnt find it so funny after all.
i just find it really sad that their relationship end up like that.

so throughout dinner i would be eating and listening to their convo and then all of a sudden a "they're going to die soon" "they are actually quite old already" thought would pop into my mind.
and then i'd feel like crying and then i'll be there trying very hard not to cry and pushing that thought away.
i think that i'm pms-ing and my period should be coming soon then.
i should stop quarelling with people. Tuesday, August 11